By Chris Reeves
Synopsis: All marriages usually go through “seasons,” and it is important to keep growing in maturity in all those “seasons” so that couples can be pleasing to God and be happy in their lives together.
A few months back, my wife and I, by God’s grace, celebrated our thirty-fourth wedding anniversary. If someone today were to ask us, “What is the one word that describes your marriage?” We would have to answer, “growth.” What comes to mind is the growth and maturity that we have experienced in our marriage for over three decades now. When we speak of growth, we mean maturing as time goes on to really be what God would have us to be as a husband or wife.
When we first got married, our “heads” understood all the proper things about marriage. We had a theoretical knowledge of marriage because we had been taught that from God’s word. Now, after thirty-four years, our “hearts” truly know about marriage and we have a practical, real-life experience and understanding of it.
Some people have compared the “seasons” of marriage to the four seasons in a year, and I believe this has some merit. The beginning of marriage is like springtime. This is the time when all things are new. They are blossoming and beginning to grow. Your relationship together as a couple is new and having children is new. Being married for several years is comparable to summertime. Your marriage and children are growing well. All things are very busy and active—like work, parenting, school, hobbies, sports, taking care of the house and car, paying the bills, etc.
Being married even longer can now be like the fall season. The things of marriage can still have an air of beauty, but some might feel as if they are starting to die. The kids are gone, and the couple is left alone, and there is not as much growth happening. The good things of marriage are holding on a little longer, but some have a sense that the love is growing colder. Then comes the point in marriage when things are not growing at all, and the relationship may wither or die. This period of marriage is like wintertime. Unless change is forthcoming, the couple stays together, albeit unhappily, or ends their relationship in divorce. So, what “season” are you in with your spouse?
If I had a chance to mentor married couples of any age, I would say: Keep working to grow your marriage no matter in what stage of life you find yourself. There has to be marriage growth from the beginning of your life together to the end, during the good times and the bad times. There has to be growth through the new experiences, the busy times, the mid-life years, and the time of old age together. Marriage should always be a work in progress. Married couples should always have the “Under Construction” sign hanging in the window of their home.
Marriage takes work, especially as the years go by. It takes work to grow from selfishness to selflessness and from the “old man” that harms a marriage to the “new man” that loves within a marriage. It takes work to grow and forgive the mistakes in a marriage and to stop the immoral behavior that one gets from the world. It takes work to grow and serve rather than be served all the time. It takes work to grow and persevere through the hard times rather than just quit.
I want to offer some encouragement for how we can grow. Let me encourage our married couples to grow by making time for yourself when the children are in the house and when they are grown and gone. You have to spend time together doing things that you both like to do or the world (the devil) will tear you apart. Pick something each day (or at least a few times a week) that is fun and enjoyable to do together. It can be something in or out of the house. Solomon’s advice is important here: “Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of thy life. . .” (Eccl. 9:9). Note the words “all the days of thy life.” This advice is not just for young married couples, but for those of us who are older as well.
Let me encourage our married couples to grow in their appreciation of each other. The woman was first made to “help” her husband (Gen. 2:18). He is to love her in a sacrificial way, showing her understanding; in like manner, she is to show him respect (Eph. 5:33; 1 Pet. 3:5-7). Married couples should say things to each other and do things toward each other that actually carry out these biblical commands. One good thing that married couples can do is to ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Or, “Do you need anything from me today?” We certainly need to get our own work done throughout the day, but we can also ask these questions which show our appreciation for the other.
Let me encourage our married couples to grow in their sexual relationship. As long as one’s health permits, of course, couples can work to be sexually fulfilled in their marriage. When this does not happen, one or both will often seek that fulfillment elsewhere. One key to growing in this area of your marriage is communication. Speak often to each other about what you really want. Be open and honest and give yourself completely to your mate in this area of your life. I am not speaking of forcing yourself upon the other, obviously, but it is important that both work to be completely satisfied and fulfilled sexually. We are actually taught this in the books of Song of Solomon and Proverbs. In Song of Solomon, the husband will “come into,” “climb up,” and “take hold” of what is his sexually (Song of Sol. 4:16; 7:7). In Proverbs, we read:
Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Should thy springs be dispersed abroad, and streams of water in the streets? Let them be for thyself alone, and not for strangers with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed; and rejoice in the wife of thy youth. As a loving hind and a pleasant doe, let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love (Prov. 5:15-19).
The apostle Paul wrote something similar:
Let the husband render unto the wife her due: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband; and likewise also the husband hath not power over his own body, but the wife (1 Cor. 7:3-4).
Finally, I encourage our married couples to grow in making time for God. Marriages often grow cold and die when one spouse or both stops serving God properly. You have to make time for God together, and I don’t just mean “going to church together.” I’ve known of couples who “go to church together” and still drift apart. May I suggest that you regularly pray together (1 Pet. 3:7; even at times other than meals), read your Bible together or do your Bible class lesson together, go to a gospel meeting or singing together, and do the Lord’s work together—by teaching others, visiting the shut-ins, the sick, etc. (cf. Acts 18:26).
To our married couples, I say, “Grow, grow, grow!” We all want the warm sunshine of growth to blow through our marriages, not the cold air of death.
