by Phillip Stuckey
Synopsis: Preparing children to be independent is challenging, but we can aid them on this journey through proper training, providing opportunities for them to earn trust, and offering suitable support as they grow and mature.
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward (Ps. 127:3, ESV).
I can clearly remember the day I heard our eldest child's first cry and held him in my arms. As you look into the face of your child you can't help but wonder, "What then will this child be?" (Luke 1:66). The days turn into months and the months into years, and it seems that all of a sudden, they are grown and getting ready to leave home. As a parent, your mind is full of questions, doubts, and concerns. Have I taught them everything they need to know? Have I prepared them to be independent and to make their way in this world?
I am reminded of how my oldest son learned how to walk. I would hold his little hands in mine and walk backward as he took each wobbly, unsure step. He would laugh and keep walking as long as I held his hands. Yet, if I let go, he would get really upset. Sometimes he would drop down and cry. Then one day, I let go and stayed just out of reach. He fussed and cried but kept moving toward me. I kept moving back, and before you know it, he was walking all on his own.
God is the giver of every good thing; I am continually amazed at how much the Lord entrusts to each of us (Jas. 1:17). He not only entrusts us with our own lives and souls, but by His grace and mercy, He entrusts those who undertake the task of conceiving and bearing children with the task of preparing the next generation of precious souls to love and serve Him. As parents, we must cultivate independence in our children and learn to let them go when the time comes. How do we do that?
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it" (Prov. 22:6). As parents, we have been charged with bringing our children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph. 6:4; cf. Gen. 18:19; Deut. 6:7). When we stop and consider what that means, it encompasses a lot, since God is the Lord of all of life. We have to teach our children that there is a God, and they need to seek and serve Him (Heb. 11:6). We have to teach them about sin and salvation, good and evil, and about how to discern between the two (Heb. 5:14). We must teach them what it means to love God with all your heart and to love your neighbor as yourself (Matt. 22:37-40).
We have to teach them about putting the needs of others before themselves (Phil. 2:1-4). We must teach them to do what is right (Heb. 12:5-11). We should teach them about priorities (Matt. 6:33). We must show them what it means to be a true disciple of Christ (Eph. 4:17-5:21). This amounts to our having to teach them about how to be a good child, friend, spouse, parent, employee, etc. (Eph. 5:22–6:9). It also means giving them practical hands-on instruction in the seemingly mundane tasks of everyday life, such as chores, money, and finance, driving a car, and a host of other things.
A lot of time must be spent throughout the days and years repeatedly instilling these and other vital truths and emphasizing not only the what and the how, but why we should do things a certain way. We have to teach our children to reason things through on their own with God and His word as their guide.
However, it isn't enough just to teach them all these things. We all know the proverb, "Like father, like son" and "Like mother, like daughter" (Ezek. 16:44). We must model independence for our children. We have to go beyond teaching the principles and precepts that govern life and demonstrate them in action. We have to give them a pattern to follow and imitate (1 Cor. 11:1). This means letting them see us succeed but also fail and, hopefully, how to recover when things go wrong.
If we really want to cultivate independence in our children, we are going to have to let them do things for themselves. This can be a real struggle. It is so easy to do things for them instead of letting them do them for themselves. It is so easy to be overbearing or overprotective and not let them struggle.
Children need us to trust in them to give them the confidence to be independent. That means we must let them have the freedom and opportunity of making choices. Of course, this is something we do gradually. From an early age, there are a lot of things they can do for themselves. As they demonstrate that they can be trusted in small things, we should allow them freedom in more and more areas, especially as they grow older (Luke 16:10).
Even if they fail and make mistakes, they can learn from them. In fact, allowing them to fail while they are still under our watchful care and protection is a great kindness that can safeguard them in the future. It may keep them from making catastrophic choices later in life. Learning the value of heeding wise instruction and the consequences of not doing so is a valuable lesson that children can begin learning from a very early age (Prov. 1:8-9). As parents, our goal is to help them mature and put away childish ways, to be able to reason things out for themselves, and to make the best choices they can that will please God and do the most good (1 Cor. 13:11; Heb. 5:14).
At some point, the time will come when your children are grown and are ready to leave your home and start their own (Gen. 2:24). Helping them make this transition will require both you and your child to change. On the one hand, you will always be their mom or dad, and they should always respect and honor you (Eph. 6:1-2). On the other hand, when they grow up, they are no longer dependent children, and you no longer have the same authority over them as you did when they were living under your roof. They have to start interacting with you more as peers and equals in many ways. Having open and honest conversations with them about this new stage in your relationship is key. Talk about mutual respect and proper boundaries.
This summer, when our oldest came home from college, we talked about our expectations of him and his expectations of us. We try to extend to him the same courtesy as we would any other adult who stays with us, but we ask him to extend that same courtesy and respect to us (Matt. 7:12; Eph. 5:21).
Let your children know you trust them to make wise choices, but let them know advice and support are always available if they need it. Remind them about how God expects all of us to consider the advice and counsel of those that are older and more experienced (Titus 2:1-4; 1 Pet. 5:5).
Raising children is a challenging task. In some sense, we are all like Hannah. God has entrusted us with precious souls. and our task is to raise them and then give them back to Him (1 Sam. 1:11). May God help us all to cultivate independence in our children so that they will be equipped to walk faithfully with the Lord all the days of their lives.
Author Bio: Phillip has worked with Robison Street church of Christ in Edna, TX for over four years. He and his wife, Beth, have three children. The church website is ednachurchofchrist.org. He can be reached at philstuckey@gmail.com.
