by Kyle Pope
Synopsis: "Many people lose the small joys in the hope for the big happiness"― Pearl Buck. What applications of this principle can be made to marriage?
Marriage was created to provide happiness, contentment, and companionship. When God saw that man was alone, He said in Genesis 2:18, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (NKJV). In spite of God's provision, this is not always what happens. Divorce and adultery are common, leading many to unlawfully test relationships first by "living together" before making the full commitment of marriage. Far too often, we refuse to be content with what God has provided for our happiness.
The Lord's church is not immune to this problem. Sadly, even Christians face broken marriages and try to justify unlawful unions. In the church, couples who were once happy face depression, fighting, or growing alienation from mates toward whom they should feel the closest. For Christians, this is a spiritual issue that can affect where we spend eternity. Because of this, we need to consider how we may attain contentment in marriage.
When couples are unhappy, we must remember that this is not how God wants it to be. Husbands are commanded to live contently with their wives. The wise man taught the husband to find satisfaction in his wife "at all times" and to be "enraptured by her love" (Prov. 5:15-20). Paul commanded husbands not "to be bitter toward" their wives but to love them (Col. 3:19). Wives, too, are to be content with their husbands. Like husbands, wives are commanded to "love their husbands" (Titus 2:4). After her sin, God told Eve, "Your desire shall be for your husband" (Gen. 3:16).
In Bible times many marriages were arranged. Things are different now, but the charge to contentment is no different. Proverbs 31:18 describes the virtuous woman who serves her family, but we note "she perceives that her merchandise is good." This may refer to the quality of the goods she makes or prepares, but I suspect it also refers to her attitude toward what she has. She is not discontent with her husband, his provision for her, or the things she possesses. She sees them as "good." That is contentment.
Unfortunately human beings often disregard God's commands and intentions for us. In marriage why is this? What leads us to be discontent? Many things contribute to this:
Movies, television shows, novels, magazines, and the internet make money by portraying the most handsome men and the most beautiful women in ways that encourage discontentment. This is not a new problem. Older shows were equally guilty of this. By portraying ideal husbands and wives always making the right choices, a godly, healthy self-image and proper view of our mates becomes damaged by unfair comparisons. Real life is more complicated. No mate makes all the right choices. Real people have flaws, blemishes, and wrinkles.
Now the thrust is often anti-marriage. When the media presents joy, happiness, and excitement, it usually does not place these things within marriage, but outside it, before it, after it, or when one is liberated from it! In truth, the grass is not "always greener on the other side." This is a lie Satan convinces the world to accept. If all joy is outside of marriage, why do people continue to seek permanent companionship?
In the past marriage was not just a decision of affection and companionship, but often a matter of necessity. How could you maintain a house to live in while you were working all day in the fields? How could you provide an income if you were taking care of your children all day? The wealth of our culture has presented us with options that were not available in the past. We see this in the care of widows. In Bible times, church support of widows was vital to the survival of Christian widows with no remaining family (cf. 1 Tim. 5:3-16). Now Social Security and generous retirement accounts make it rarer for this need to arise. While this is fortunate, in many ways, it also contributes to attitudes in our culture as a whole that lead us to look at one another as if we don't need each other. A wife may not feel as if she needs a husband. A husband may not feel any responsibility to provide for his wife. This can contribute to discontentment.
When the feminist movement began, it attempted to address abuses. It advocated equal pay for equal work, and to end mistreatment of women. Now it has become a pulpit for "anti-men" viewpoints. Modern feminism advocates pro-homosexual causes and opposition to traditional families. This has led to a mindset within both genders that says, "If I have problems in my marriage, I don't have to work them out, I'll take care of myself!" When these attitudes come into marriage, it leads to discontentment. Sadly, this has left many alone, bitter, unhappy, and struggling, both financially and spiritually.
The heart that is focused solely on its own needs, desires, and welfare is never content. It screams, "I want it my way!"—"I'll do my own thing." Men seem to have more trouble with this than women. I saw a study done some years ago that reported that for every 100 hours of leisure enjoyed by women men enjoy 141. What does that tell us? No matter how much they work, or how hard their job, men make sure they find time for themselves. It also shows (at least in marriage situations) they do this for themselves, but they do not seek to make sure their wives have time for themselves! That does not contribute to contentment.
This is not always a male problem. Men or women who come from homes where they have everything given to them when they get married find it hard to cope with a relationship that isn't like the home of their childhood. Selfishness can manifest itself in how we treat our children. Are we more interested in our work than our family? Are we unwilling to give our family the attention they need? This spirit leads to discontentment.
How do we define what it means to be content in our marriage relationships? What does the Bible teach?
Christians are to, "consider one another in order to stir up love and good works" (Heb. 10:24). This is true of our relationship to our spouse as it is true of our relationship to our brethren. We should constantly work for the improvement of one another, but this is not accomplished by…
Instead, we truly help each other do better by calm, objective communication with one another. We help by positive reinforcement of good qualities and actions, and loving, patient help to overcome behavior that is wrong. Husbands and wives must continue their courtship of one another. Paul taught that husbands and wives seek to please one another (1 Cor. 7:33-34). This can't end when the vows are said!
Paul taught that the Christian, by his relationship with Christ, can find contentment in all circumstances (Phil. 4:10-13). This must be true of marriage as well. When improvement cannot be accomplished, contentment must be a quality within us rather than some ideal situation in which to live. This is a world of tribulation and hardship (John 16:33). If that must characterize our marriages, the Christian is in a unique position to be able to bring good things out of very difficult circumstances, and in so doing, bring glory to our God.
Author-Bio: Kyle preaches for the Olsen Park church of Christ in Amarillo, TX. He has written several books published by Truth Publications including How We Got the Bible. The church website is olsenpark.com. He can be reached at kmpope@att.net.
