by Corey Willis
Synopsis: Those who are qualified to serve as deacons in God's spiritual family first demonstrate "a serv-ant's heart" by serving their physical families.
I understand the temptation to conclude that an unmarried man can serve as a deacon in the church. As one author writes, "Common sense would say this should be a non-issue… In fact, being unmarried, he'll probably have more time to do so" (compellingtruth.org). Others point to Paul's statements about celibacy in 1 Corinthians 7 and conclude that, being "free from concern" (NASB), single men are able to give undivided devotion to the LORD's work serving as elders or deacons (Davis).
Although these arguments make good sense by man's reasoning, we're reminded that the Lord doesn't reason as we do. Through the prophet Isaiah, God said, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord" (Isa. 55.8). When Paul wrote to Timothy about appointing deacons, among the qualifications, he charged that deacons are to be married, have children and manage their households well (1 Tim. 3:12). Respecting the wisdom of God and the authority of His Word causes one to ask how marriage and managing a household with children provides a training ground for, and distinctly qualifies a man, to serve God's spiritual family as a deacon.
When a man takes a wife, he learns what it means to love another as himself. From the beginning, God has intended a husband and wife to become united as one being (Gen. 2:24). Jesus reaffirmed the same principle in the New Testament when He was questioned about marriage (Matt. 19:6). As a husband, a man's attention turns away from himself and toward his wife (1 Cor. 7:33). He is to love her, care for her, cherish her, sacrificing his desires—to please her (Eph. 5:25-33). By applying God's purpose in his marriage, a husband learns patience, kindness, and humility. He learns to serve another with his whole heart, without irritation or resentment (1 Cor. 13:4-5, ESV).
How does that help a man serve the church as a deacon? The word translated as "deacon" in 1 Timothy 3 (diakonos) denotes a servant and views him in relation to his work (Strong). Deacons are not leaders in the church, but servants under the elders' oversight. A deacon attends to the needs of a local church and its members. His service is not motivated by guilt, pressure, or a need to feel important. Instead, he's motivated to serve out of love for his brothers and sisters in Christ. To the brethren in Philippi, Paul wrote, "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others" (Phil. 2:3-7). Such self-sacrificing love is tested and applied on a daily basis in marriage where a man learns to love others as himself and practice serving out of that love.
In Genesis 2:18, God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him" (ESV). God created woman to be a helper suited perfectly to her husband. The ISBE describes, "Far more than being a mere assistant, …she is man's complement, essential to the perfection of his being. Without her, he is not a man in the generic fullness of that term" (Dwight M. Pratt). A man's wife is his partner throughout his life, and she is essential to his work as a deacon. In fact, a man is not qualified to serve as a deacon unless his wife is of the right character. He is unqualified to serve if his wife is a slanderer, one who is critical of, and finds fault in, others. Rather, she is to be dignified, sober-minded and faithful (1 Tim. 3:11).
It's not only that such a spouse would discourage him from his work, but it's also a clear indication that a godly wife assists her husband in his work as a deacon. She may complement his strengths or provide balance, compensating in his areas of weakness. On multiple occasions as a deacon, my wife has pointed out work that needed to be done that I had failed to recognize. She has encouraged me when I've felt overwhelmed, talked through problems and helped me develop solutions. A married man can serve others as a deacon because he has a godly wife who perfectly complements and balances him.
Whereas a husband learns to love and serve his wife as himself, a father learns loving service in an entirely new way. When children are infants, a parent cares for his child in some of the most unpleasant ways. Due to his unconditional love for his child, he serves without reciprocation or the slightest expression of appreciation or recognition. A man learns patience and gentleness as he brings up his children.
Comparing the lesser to the greater, Jesus also served His creation in the most unpleasant way while enduring derision from those whom He served. He taught His disciples, "Whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Matt. 20:25-27).
This command finds practical expression in a man's home and is carried out for the church. There are many ways a deacon is to serve. We see an example in Acts 6 where seven men were appointed to "serve (diakonia) tables," caring for the daily physical needs of Christian widows. For churches around the world, deacons maintain buildings, change the toilet paper, make photocopies, keep records, update bulletin boards, clean baptistries, schedule teachers, plan curricula, check on shut-ins, help widows and perform many other unglamorous tasks. Like Jesus washing the feet of His apostles, these are tasks that need to be performed. In bringing up children, a father learns how to serve the basic needs of others motivated by their necessity, rather than by his acclaim or recognition.
The home is where a father learns what it means to act with and under authority. A centurion approached Jesus in Capernaum to heal his paralyzed servant. He had such remarkable faith and humility that he asked Jesus to heal his servant by simply giving the command (Matt. 8:8). What explanation did the centurion give for his expectation? He responded, "I too am a man under authority, with soldiers under me" (v. 9). He recognized that Jesus was working under the authority of God the Father and in the same way, all of creation was under Jesus' authority.
A husband has authority over his wife and household, but remains accountable to Christ as Lord (Eph. 5:23). Under Christ's authority, he is responsible to love, nourish, cherish and honor his wife (Eph. 5:25, 29; Col. 3:19; 1 Pet. 3:7); teach his children the law of the Lord (Deut. 6:6-7; Eph. 6:4); train and discipline his children with love and gentleness (Eph. 6:4; Heb. 12:7); and manage his household (1 Tim. 3:12). Managing the household doesn't mean that he does all of the work himself, but will delegate and oversee its completion. So also must the deacon accomplish his work under the elders' authority. He understands his role in allowing them to focus on weightier needs of the church, freeing them from being concerned about the work he will accomplish. Deacons work under the authority of their elders, but it's in the home where they learn about authority.
A deacon's family demonstrates his experience in loving others as much as he loves his own flesh; provides balance in his work; affords him opportunities to yield service without recognition, and teaches him to both have and be under authority. Among other characteristics and habits, his family furnishes the church with discernable evidence to determine whether a man is equipped to serve as a deacon. While we don't have to understand God's reasoning to obey His commands, in this case, He has provided ample evidence to understand why a man's home is so critical for his ability to serve as a deacon.
"Can a Church Elder or Deacon Be Single / Unmarried?" CompellingTruth. Accessed September 29, 2018. https://www.compellingtruth.org/unmarried-single-elder.html.
Davis, Andy. "Can Single Men Serve as Elders?" 9Marks. March 20, 2017. Accessed September 29, 2018. https://www.9marks.org/article/can-single-men-serve-as-elders/.
Pratt, Dwight M. "Woman - International Standard Bible Encyclopedia. 1915 Edition. Edited by James Orr." Bible Study Tools. Accessed September 29, 2018. https://www.biblestudytools.com/encyclopedias/isbe/woman.html.
Strong, James. A Concise Dictionary of the Words in the Greek Testament and the Hebrew Bible. Bellingham. WA: Logos Bible Software, 2009.
Author Bio: Corey oversees business operations for an electric utility in Indiana, serves on the board of Friends of Indiana Youth (FIY) and as a deacon for the Jamestown church of Christ. He and his wife, Meagan, have been married for eighteen years and have two daughters. He can be reached at truthmagazine.coreyw@neverbox.com.
