by Daniel H. King, Sr.
Synopsis: When children leave home, parents face new challenges. When should they offer advice, and when should they remain silent? How can godly parents be supportive of their grown children?
While children are young, it is relatively easy to give them good advice and try to send them off in the direction that they need to go. They are naturally more malleable and will generally listen to the good counsel of their parents. That does not mean that they will always follow the advice given or keep what we have said in mind, because there are others who also influence them, especially their peers. Yet, during this time of their lives, they respect their parents and hold them in a sort of reverence that they may not feel later on in life. Still, the negative impact of their friends may overcome the good parenting skills of the best father and mother.
On this account, the sage of Proverbs repeatedly encouraged his audience to listen and remember his wise words of advice: "Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and reject not your mother's teaching; For they are a fair garland for your head, and pendants for your neck" (Prov. 1:8, 9; cf. also 2:1; 3:1; 4:1, 10, 20; 5:1, 7; etc.).
Even in Proverbs, the author's consistent demand that a son must listen to the wise instruction of his parents was frequently and insistently repeated. Young people tend at times to be rebellious and to reject their parent's wishes, even if they are in their best interest. The "headstrong" teenager is almost an expectation in our day. It was not always so, but once more, the influence of their peers at school and the modern media, especially movies and music, pushes them in that direction. These are headwinds that almost all parents must fight. God-fearing parents hope that through careful discipline and loving instruction their children will eventually see the foolishness of rebellion and "straighten up and fly right."
Religious instruction, parental guidance, and consistent church attendance are key factors in assuring a satisfactory end result. Consistency on the part of Mom and Dad all along the way cannot be minimized in terms of their importance. Experienced and successful parents will attest to the truthfulness of these statements. In contrast, parents who permit sporting events to take precedence over worship, and allow their young ones to partake in unwholesome activities like dances and late-night parties, drinking and drugs, are quite simply begging for trouble. Children will make mistakes, but fathers and mothers who permit them to participate in such things are only setting the stage for worse things to come.
What about the question of interacting with grown children? After they have left home and have started their own family, how should we respond to situations where we deem advice to be needed? Should we give it freely, or ought we to hold back? Of course, since we have previously enjoyed a position of authority over them as their parents, if we are not careful we may too quickly respond to the seeming "need" for our advice and poison the relationship. A daughter-in-law or son-in-law may resent too much input into their business or family decisions.
The answers to such questions are not always easy to give. We must be thoughtful about these situations and be reticent to put in "our two cents worth" without our being asked for advice. Great care and much prayer should be expended before having too much to say. It is almost always best to hold back. On the other hand, there are times when loving Christian parents cannot be silent. It would be wrong not to speak. Eli's inaction regarding his grown sons is a perfect example of a father who was in a position to stop the evil doings of adult children. He spoke out (1 Sam. 2:22-25), but did nothing to stop their wickedness (cf. 3:13-14), and ultimately the Lord held him responsible for his unwillingness to restrain them (cf. 3:13).
As a parent of faithful Christian children, let me suggest some of the principles that my wife and I have tried to keep in mind as we have dealt with our adult offspring. Both of our children are happily married and now have children of their own.
1. When adult children ask for advice, tell them what you think. They are asking for your advice because they want to know how you would handle a particular situation. We all remember how scary it was to start out in life. Many problems and difficulties that challenged us seemed, at the time, to be insurmountable and irresolvable. Yet, they only seemed so because of our inexperience. A parent who does not cautiously advise a child who is seeking advice is making a huge mistake. It is a great compliment to a parent to have their child come asking for help in dealing with a problem. Obviously, they respect your wisdom and are seeking your counsel. Give advice with appropriate caveats.
2. Do not give advice when it is not requested. There are times when we can see that our kids are not making the best decisions, according to our thinking. However, that does not necessarily mean that we are right and they are wrong. They may well be right. We may be wrong. Now that they are adults, they must learn to make their own decisions; then live with the decisions they have made. Unless it is something that certainly will lead to tragic consequences, it is best for us to keep our advice to ourselves. Respect your grown children's personal and family boundaries!
3. Do not meddle in their problems. In most cases, it is best to allow them to make a few mistakes of their own without intruding into their business. If you intrude, you will be resented for doing so. Spiritual issues are different. We ought not to sit idly by while they make moral or ethical decisions that may lead to the loss of their soul or the souls of their children. They should not be treated any differently than any other sinner who is falling into temptation or transgression. They ought to be lovingly confronted (Gal. 6:1). I have seen many parents sit back and allow their children to make terrible decisions as regards their spiritual life, without ever whispering a word of warning, for fear of being seen as a "meddler in other men's matters." Meddling is a mistake, but turning the sinner back from the error of his way is never meddling (Jas. 5:19-20). This kind of silence in the face of certain danger is never good, and so it should never happen. Would we allow them to drive over a cliff without shouting a warning?
4. Do not try to "fix" the troubles they make for themselves. There may be some exceptions, but as a general rule, it is not a good idea to "come to the rescue" every time they fall into some unpleasant circumstance. All of us have seen children get themselves into debt over and over again because their kindly-but-unwise parents have the money to bail them out, and repeatedly do so. Let your children learn to stand on their own two feet. Let them pay their own debts and solve their own problems. Let them get themselves out of the situations and circumstances that are of their own making. One or two bad situations of that kind will convince them not to make the same mistakes again. These are life lessons that need to be learned. Allow your adult children to learn them. If you persist in rescuing them from every unfortunate situation they precipitate, you are teaching them to engage in risky behavior and conditioning them not to fear the consequences of their actions. Eventually, you will all be sorry for such conditioning! There are some things from which even parents with lots of money cannot extricate them! It is best that they suffer a small amount of pain now to avoid a lot of pain later.
5. Try to be supportive and encouraging. This is not always easy, but it is important. We all remember how difficult it was to deal with our problems when we were young, whether married or not. We needed encouragement at times. Everyone does. Offering encouragement is an act of love and a demonstration of caring. It shows that you are cheering them on as they make their way in the world. "Just remember that we love you and are praying for you," are words that all of us are thrilled to hear at every stage of life. Certainly, young upstarts must want to hear it too, even if they are all grown up and have their own family!
6. Tell them stories. When they are little children, tell them the stories of the great characters of the Bible. When they grow older, tell them about their family history. They need to know "where they came from." They need to hear about the trials and tribulations, the successes and failures of their forebears. No doubt Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and then the Twelve Patriarchs of Israel, passed along their family history as they, each in his turn, sat around campfires as desert nomads, wandering from place to place. We need to tell our children to turn off their electronic devices long enough to learn about their heritage—"who they are" and "where they have come from." Family traditions and family history are critical to personal pride. Ask grandparents to relate their own stories before they are gone, and their voices are silenced. They may have many valuable lessons to teach: "For length of days and years of life and abundant welfare they will give you" (Prov. 3:2).
7. Pray for them daily. I pray for my children every day. If they have a particular problem that they are dealing with, and I know about it, I take it before the Lord and ask on their behalf for His help. Job did this for his children (Job 1:5). We all ought to persistently pray for our children. If we love them genuinely, we will not neglect to do so. Nothing else that we do for them as adults out on their own is more important than this. If we truly believe in the efficacy of prayer, that "the prayer of a righteous man has great power in its effects" (Jas. 5:16), then we will continually pray for their spiritual good, and bring before the throne of God's grace any other concern we may have for them as well.
Author Bio: Dan preaches for the Locust St. church of Christ in Mt. Pleasant, TN. The church website is lscoc.com. He can be reached at danielhking@hotmail.com.
