by Robert Harkrider
Synopsis: Implementation of Jesus' teaching in the Sermon on the Mount will help any relationship, but especially in marriages when conflicts arise.
It is not uncommon to hear of a marriage in trouble which we thought was secure. Space does not permit to write about all the problems that could be involved, but conflicts will not be resolved if a couple turns to the wrong counsel for advice. "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly" (Ps. 1:1). The word "ungodly" does not necessarily describe a wicked or immoral person, but one who has no relationship with God. It may be true that the average Christian is not an expert in the field of marriage, but do not go to a marriage counselor who knows nothing about God. When God is not figured into a person's thinking on the home, how could that kind of counselor be an "expert"?
Rather than seeking an easy solution that corrects one or two superficial symptoms, check the heart to be sure that heaven is the ultimate goal. If so, faults will be repented, and prayers will be flowing from sincere hearts to God. One can search many scriptures to learn the proper attitude of a husband to his wife or of a wife to her husband, but the foundation underlying all is the righteousness that Jesus admonished in the Sermon on the Mount. Test whether these characteristics of righteousness are prevalent. Jesus said, "Unless your righteousness exceeds the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matt. 5:20).
You Shall Not Murder (5:21-26). Apparently, the scribes and Pharisees said one could go right up to murder, just so you do not actually kill. Jesus said there are things that lead to murder: e.g., bitter words, bitter thoughts (anger) that stir hatred. Some say, "we have no danger of murder in our home … we may have a lot of trouble, but not to that extreme." Don't be so sure! Murder is very common in the domestic scene. We may think it will never happen, but if we let our mind get out of control, think all harsh thoughts, and harbor bitter anger in our heart, we may be surprised at how close we can come to murder. Furthermore, the Bible says, "Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him" (1 John 3:14).
You Shall Not Commit Adultery (5:27-30). The Pharisees said, "stop before adultery," but Jesus said some things lead to adultery. "Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Don't look to lust! If your eye or hand causes you to offend, cut it off. We would never get into adultery if we were careful about (1) Seeing lust (TV, movies, computer pornography, books, immodest apparel); and (2) Touching lust (dancing, improper hugging). When barriers are broken down, we yield. We need the attitude of Joseph who fled from Potiphar's wife and would not do wickedness and "sin against God" (Gen. 39:9).
Do Not Divorce (5:31-32). The Pharisees said, "if you divorce, make it legal, and give her a certificate." But Jesus warned, "whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery." Divorce is not the solution to family problems. Do not even threaten to divorce! Most wedding vows promise "so long as both shall live." Remember that you will answer to the Lord in judgment over how well you have kept your promise. In fact, recall the feelings you had at the time of marriage and work to renew the same things you did to win the love of your mate. You may be surprised at the response when sincere courting is done.
Avoid Deception (5:33-37). When Jesus said, "Do not swear at all," He was not talking about profanity. Instead, He was admonishing all to stand by your word. Let your "yes" be "yes." If in marriage we work at keeping our promise to love, honor, cherish and keep oneself to that one alone, then most problems can be overcome. Before a divorce, nearly always there is a breakdown of communication. Trust in one another is essential. Do not destroy it by hiding what you are doing or with whom you are spending time.
Avoid Retaliation (5:38-42). At first it may seem that these verses do not apply to marriage, but the attitude to retaliate in like kind is certainly tempting. When she calls him a bad name, he responds with something worse. Soon the air is turning blue with ugly words and questioned motives.
"Angry words! O let them never from the tongue unbridled slip; May the heart's best impulse ever check them ere they soil the lip" (Horatio R. Palmer, "Love One Another," Psalms, Hymns and Spiritual Songs #600).
Avoid Conditional Love (5:43-48). Most everyone who marries claims to be in love, but any love one can fall "in to" can be fallen "out of"! If you "love" because she is so pretty, or because he drives a nice car, then problems will develop. What if something happens to his handsome face or her beautiful body? Are you still going to love? The kind of love marriage should be based on continues regardless of the changes that take place in our lives. The characteristics of love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 can be developed. In fact, older women are to teach young women to love their husbands (Titus 2:4), and husbands are commanded to love their wives even as their own body (Eph. 5:25-29). Therefore, when someone claims, "I just don't love anymore." The next question should be, "when are you going to repent?" You may exclaim, "she treats me so mean … like an enemy." Jesus said, "love your enemies."
Avoid Hypocrisy (6:1-8). A hypocrite is a stage actor. On stage, he acts one way, but off stage, he acts another way. Some turn on religion on Sunday when going to worship, but turn it off on Monday. Then they wonder why troubles are in their home, and their children are unfaithful.
Avoid Materialism (6:19-34). A major cause of many problems in homes today is materialism. When success is measured only in material things, then wrong values exist. Some wives are happy so long as her husband can provide all that she wants, but if not, she goes off to another husband who can. If a husband selfishly spends money on his adult toys, then tells his wife to go to work if she wants something, he causes bitterness to develop. Soon they think they are "incompatible" when in reality the wedge of divorce was materialism! Seek first the kingdom of God. If we do this, divorce will not occur. If it does occur, then something has gotten ahead of the kingdom of God with at least one of the parties, if not with both.
Avoid Petty Criticism (7:1-5). "Judge not that you be not judged." Why behold the mote in another's eye when you have a beam in your own? Often before marriage, one cannot see any fault in the other, but after marriage the only thing they can see is fault. We pick at every little weakness, every mistake, and build it, and magnify it. Is that the way we want to be treated? I have seen couples squabbling when thousands would swap for the kind of mate they have who doesn't drink, gamble, or run around to ungodliness.
Act as If Your Roles Were Changed (7:12). Try this if nothing else works! If you are a husband, think about how you would feel if you were the wife. Would you want to be married to a husband who acts as you do? If you are a wife, think about how you would feel if you were the husband. Would you want to be married to a wife who acts as you do? Troubled couples ought to make a list of faults (not of your mate because you have already demonstrated you cannot do anything about them). Make a list of your faults about which your mate keeps complaining. Then go to work to change and to become the companion your mate would like to see in you. Be the kind of wife/husband you would want if you filled the opposite role!
Was Jesus referring specifically to marriage in the Sermon on the Mount? No, but He identified the character of one whose house is built on a rock. The same is true for marriages that stand when "floods come, and winds blow" (Matt. 7:24-26).
Author Bio: Robert Harkrider served with the South Bumby church in Orlando, FL for thirty years. He now lives near Atlanta. He can be reached at rharkrider@earthlink.net.
