Robert F. Harkrider has served with the South Bumby church in Orlando, FL for the last thirty years. He can be reached at rharkrider@earthlink.net

FAMILY

Husbands sometimes abuse their leadership position in the family, acting selfishly rather than sacrificially; our wives deserve better.

It has been said that if you see a man opening the car door for his wife, it means that either he has a new car or a new wife! We may giggle at that analysis, but, sadly, it reminds us of the husband who tells his wife on their silver anniversary, “Twenty-five years ago, I told you that I loved you, and if I ever change my mind, I will let you know.”

In reality, these illustrations are not funny, but imply the underlying reason why so many marriages are failing. The true love of a husband must be like the love that Christ has for the church: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Eph. 5:25). Obviously, we cannot match God’s love in quantity, or in quality, but we can love in kind… evidencing indestructible, sacrificial, and unselfish love!

Marital death is rampant in our nation. No one needs a poll to recognize this. Look next door, across the street, or around the corner, to see the lifeless remains of shattered unions that once breathed the breath of married life. Observe relatives (grandparents, parents, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts) and fellow Christians who have gone back on their vow—“until death do us part.”

The breakdown of any relationship, be it business, political, or marital, can usually be traced to its leadership. The husband is the head of the wife (Eph. 5:23); as the ruler of the relationship, he must bear chief responsibility for its failure. Ephesians 5 does not say that wives are slaves to their husbands, but it does say wives are to be submitting to husbands who love. The day he becomes indifferent toward his wife is the day when the soundness of the relationship begins to suffer. Having the love that Christ had for the church is the basis of the husband’s rule of his wife and is the spirit that will breathe life into any marriage.

Just as Christ Loved the Church

How can we love like Christ loved the church? Consider a few characteristics. First, Christ’s love for the church was indestructible. He loved even those who slapped, mocked, spit on, and crucified Him. He died for us when we were undeserving (Rom. 5:6, 8, 10). The love Christ had for the church drew no line that said He would not die for us if we crossed that line. An inferior love is given only to those who earn the right to receive it, but God’s love is extended to those who don’t deserve it, and have not earned it. “By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren” (1 John 3:16).

Christ’s love served the needs of others. Many explain that they divorced because they “fell out of love.” Sadly, this illustrates a misunderstanding of “love.” The kind of love Christ had for the church is agape love, that is, the attitude of “active good will” whether or not the person loved is deserving. We may not have that euphoric, “ooey-gooey” feeling that the world terms “love.” Yet, a husband who imitates Christ will set aside his own interests and do what is good for his wife. Nothing she says or does will interfere with or defeat the unselfish spirit that promotes her well-being.

What we fall “out of” we can fall “back into.” Do you remember when you were first trying to win her love? Ask yourself, “When is the last time I made a sacrifice for my wife? When is the last time we wanted to do different things, and I set aside my own carefully laid out plans to do what she wanted to do? The world says: “Be the macho man, big shot! Build up your own identity; grab all the gusto; live for the moment.” God says the opposite: “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me” (Gal. 2:20).

Just As You Love Your Own Body

“So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies: he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church” (Eph. 5:28-29). When husbands see the needs of their wives as with the clarity they see their own needs, they have learned the secret of successful marriages.

A good rule to help troubled marriages is to apply the “Golden Rule” (Matt. 7:12). Ask yourself, if roles were reversed and you were the wife, would you want to be married to someone who treats you the way you are treating her? As a good neighbor puts himself in his neighbor’s shoes before speaking or acting, so a good husband will slip on his wife’s sandals to see what love demands. This is called “understanding.” The inspired apostle warned, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7).

The word “nourish” (ektrepho), meaning to “feed or to nurture,” is used primarily in reference to raising children in a way that promotes health and strength. The word “cherish” (thalpo), literally meaning “to soften or warm with body heat,” is used to describe a mother bird sitting on her nest. Husbands are to provide their wives with a nest, a security of warmth, and a place of nourishment.

Give relief to your wife when she needs an hour or two from the burden of children at the end of a grueling day. Offer a few words of praise and a back rub when struggling with an emotional downer at a certain time in her cycle. Push a vacuum cleaner or minister at a sink full of dirty dishes. Wimpy? NO! This is the love all marriages need. This is the stuff of husbanding.

Compare the love of a husband to a warm blanket on a cold winter night; as long as the wife feels encircled, wrapped up in this blanket, she is able to surrender herself completely and unconditionally to her husband, both body and mind. In order to give her this feeling of being sheltered, love her just as Christ loved the church, and nourish her as you do your own body. Also learn that it is not unmanly to express your feelings. If your words and caresses go together with this attitude of heart, they will convey to her the message, “You are loved.”