Dennis Abernathy | preachab@suddenlink.net

Men and women who moved in together used to raise eyebrows. Living together out of wedlock, once considered “shacking up” or “living in sin,” has lost its stigma as cohabitation has become mainstream. Cohabitation is replacing marriage as the first living together experience for young men and women.

Cohabitation is defined as “two unrelated persons of the opposite sex who share common living arrangements in a sexually intimate relationship without legal or religious sanction.” USA Today reported that “more than two-thirds of married couples in the U.S. now say they lived together before marriage. And the number of unmarried opposite-sex households overall is rising dramatically… .”

Cohabitation, as a lifestyle, is on the rise. According to the U.S. Census, from 1996 to 2000 there was a tenfold increase in unmarried couples living together, which translates to approximately 10 million people, or 8 percent of U.S. couples’ households, are living with a partner of the opposite sex outside of wedlock. Certainly the number has vastly increased in the last fourteen years. Researchers estimate that today as many as 50% of Americans cohabit at one time or another prior to marriage.

Attitudes are changing toward cohabitation. Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher wrote The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier and Better off Financially. Their book makes the case for marriage and also challenges contemporary assumptions about cohabitation. Their thesis is this: “Back in the 1950s, the rules were clear: first love, next marriage, and only then the baby carriage. But the social ‘tsunami’ of the 1960s that struck changed everything. The Pill, the sexual revolution, gay pride, feminism, mothers in the workplace, no-fault divorce, and the rise of illegitimate births changed our views of marriage and family.” Their conclusion is that married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially.

The trend seems to be that, instead of dating, couples just “move in.” The reasoning is that they want to make sure that they find just the right person and that they are compatible with one another. George Barna has reported that 60% of Americans believed that the best way to establish a successful marriage is to cohabit prior to marriage. Another survey found that two-thirds (66%) of high school senior boys agreed or mostly agreed with the statement: “It is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along.” This change in thinking also seems to be influenced by financial considerations – shared rent and housing, etc. In other words, when the lease is up and the rent is due, it is cheaper to cohabit. Thus, we are treated with the profound wisdom (?) that one should “try before you buy” or “You wouldn’t buy a car without a test drive would you?” Hence, the advocacy for a “test-run!” Such couldn’t be more dehumanizing! Also, some feel such a relationship will stave off loneliness.

But statistics overwhelmingly show that those who live together (cohabit), prior to marriage have a much higher likelihood of experiencing at least one divorce during their lifetime. They stack the odds against themselves and their future marriage. Sociologists David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead released their study through the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University which confirms earlier studies about the danger of cohabiting. They found that cohabiting appears to be counterproductive to long-lasting marriage, that unmarried couples should avoid living together, especially if it involves children. They argue that living together is “a fragile family form” that poses increased risk to women and children.

They cite as a part of the reason for the danger is the difference in perception. Men often enter the relationship with less intention to marry than do women. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long-term commitment. Women, however, often see the living arrangement as a step toward eventual marriage. So while the women may believe they are headed for marriage, the man has other ideas.

But, the reality is, Popenoe said, “Cohabitation is here to stay.” But he also says that it is not without dire consequences. Hear him: “As society shifts from marriage to cohabitation – which is what is happening – you have an increase in family instability.” The correlation is that we are witnessing a new mind-set developing concerning marriage and the home, and homes are the victims.

Problems with Cohabitation

Lack of Commitment. Marriages are held together by a common commitment which is absent in most, if not all, cohabiting relationships. Two people who live together value autonomy over commitment and tend not to be as committed as married couples in their dedication to the continuation of the relationship. Since there is less certainty of a long-term commitment there is less motivation to work out conflicts and problems when they arise – and they do arise!

A cohabitating relationship may seem happy for a time, but it will always lack one thing: commitment. Without the commitment of marriage a “living together” arrangement will always be insecure.

Also, various studies on abuse conclude that women in cohabiting relationships are more than twice as likely as married women to suffer physical and sexual abuse. Other studies have found that women in cohabiting relationships are nine times more likely to be killed by their partner than are women in marital relationships.

Harmful to Children. Several studies have found that children currently living with a mother and her unmarried partner have significantly more behavior problems and lower academic performance than children in intact families. There is always the high risk that the couple will break up, creating even more social and personal difficulties. Thus, children, who are the most vulnerable, suffer due to the ignorance, selfishness, and irresponsibility of those who begat them.

The Biblical Perspective. The Bible teaches that the act of sexual intercourse can have a strong bonding effect on two people. When done within the bounds of marriage, the man and the woman become one flesh (Gen. 2:24; Eph. 5:31). Sexual intercourse outside of marriage has consequences. The apostle Paul said that when a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her (1 Cor. 6:16). In 1 Corinthians 5:1-3, a man within the church was having sexual relations with his father’s wife. Such was sinful because it was sexual immorality, incestuous, and there also was no marital union – they were cohabiting. Paul said, “Flee sexual immorality” (1 Cor. 6:18). Hebrews 13:4 says: “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled, but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” Marriage is honorable among all provided it is an honorable marriage, i.e. in keeping with Scripture. Cohabitation dishonors marriage. Within marriage the bed (sexual relations) is undefiled. Sexual relations within cohabitation is defiled. Cohabitation defiles sexual relations. Such conduct is not pleasing to God and He will judge.

Sexual immorality is condemned in about twenty-five passages in the New Testament. The Greek word is porneia, a word which includes all forms of illicit sexual intercourse. Jesus taught: “For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man unclean” (Mark 7: 21-23).

Marriage is God’s plan to provide intimate companionship for life (Gen. 2:18) and the context for the procreation and nurture of children (Eph. 6: 1-2), and finally, marriage provides a godly outlet for sexual desire (1 Cor. 7:2).

Living together outside of marriage not only violates Biblical commands, but it puts a couple and their future marriage at risk. Even if millions are doing it, living together is a bad idea. There are clear Biblical prohibitions against premarital sex. But, even apart from these Biblical pronouncements are the ominous sociological predictions of failure when a couple considers cohabitation rather than marriage. The latest available research backs up what the Bible says. If you want a good marriage, don’t do what society says. Do what the Bible teaches us to do!

Conclusion

History tells us the sad tale that once any nation’s homes are permanently fractured, the nation will crumble at its very foundation. Winston Churchill said, “There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society are created, strengthened, and maintained.” Dr. James Dobson wrote, “To put it succinctly, the institution of marriage represents the very foundation of human social order. Everything of value sits on that base. Institutions, governments, religious fervor, and the welfare of children are all dependent on its stability. When it is weakened or undermined, the entire superstructure begins to wobble. That is exactly what has happened during the last thirty-five years, as the radical feminists, liberal lawmakers, and profiteers in the entertainment industry have taken their toll on the stability of marriage. Many of our pressing social problems can be traced to this origin” (Marriage Under Fire, 9-10). In the book Rx For Marital Illness (70), the author states: “The old ship of matrimony that God launched in the Garden of Eden has been caught in a cyclone of change. Of every dozen wedded couples, four will jump overboard, six will stay lashed on deck because of utilitarian interests – children, career, family, church, etc. – without joy or love, and only two will enjoy what Dr. Joyce Brothers calls “total” marriages, where they will have a lifetime of happiness. … Some very loud voices are shouting that wedlock is a padlock which leads to deadlock and that the first institution God established has outlived its usefulness.”

I am pleading for marriage and the home as God created it, and planned it, and wants it to be. His is the best possible arrangement for all mankind. May God help us respect and be governed by the divine rules that God has given for the protection of our homes and families.