I am writing this article in hopes that it will help anyone who is thinking of having an abortion or anyone who already has.

In April of 1978, 1 had just turned 18 and was on top of the world. I had my whole life ahead of me. I had all the answers as so many do at that age.

Then the bottom fell out. I found out I was pregnant. I was able to hide it for a couple of weeks but soon the morning sickness came and it didn't take my family long to figure out what was wrong with me.

My parents strongly urged me not to have an abortion. Some of my brothers, along with their wives, offered me all of the help I could possibly need.

But I told myself that I was too young to be stuck with a baby. I had too many other things to do. A baby would just mess up my life and tie me down and keep me from doing many great things. So what did I do? I hired a "hit man." I paid some "quack" to take the life of my own child.

From the very moment that I had the abortion, I knew my life would never be the same.

At first I went through severe depression. I stayed in my room practically all of the time staring at the ceiling.

I was then put on nerve pills and sleeping pills. I walked around like a zombie most of the time. All of the life was zapped from me. The effects of the pills caused me to gain an extra 75 pounds. As of today I have only managed to get rid of half of it.

Then I discovered what "getting high" meant. I had never fooled with drugs or alcohol. I was always so high on life. Even my teachers in high school had commented to other people about how happy I was all of the time. The Lord had blessed me with something that very few people have - true happiness. But now it was all gone. I became addicted to drugs. I thought I had found the answer to my problems. But I would later find out that the drugs would turn on me.

In 1981 my husband and I found out that we were going to be parents. From the moment I found out, I kept waiting to lose the baby. I knew God was going to pay me back.

My little boy was due on December 31, but he decided to join us on December 8. He is now 7 years old and every day of his life I've been waiting for him to die or be kidnaped. And its been the same with my little girl who is 5.

The Lord has blessed me with two beautiful, healthy children and I can't enjoy this blessing for worrying about them.

I would like to say that Dr. C. Everette Koop, former Surgeon General of the United States, does not know what he's talking about when he says there is no clear evidence of psychological scars from having an abortion.

How could he possibly know?

Psychological scars? Yes, there are many.

From the moment I had the abortion I became very paranoid. I felt as though I would be murdered in the same way that my baby was. When an abortion is performed, it tears the baby limb from limb. And it has been proven that the fetus can feel pain. So I think about what I did to that precious little child. I think of the pain it must have endured.

The paranoia is so bad that for years I have slept with a loaded gun under my pillow. My husband finally got the gun out of the house. Now I just sleep with a knife under my pillow. I feel that I will die a horrible death.

Several people in my family will tell you not ever to touch men when I am sleeping because I wake up fighting and screaming. The other night when my little boy came into my room and woke me up, I shoved him into the dresser.

Speaking of sleep, there's not much of it. I'm lucky if I get 4 hours a night. Years of this makes your body weak. But again, I don't deserve to sleep.

Our social life is very limited. In the 8 years that we've been married, my husband and I have eaten out maybe 10 times because I'm very paranoid in crowds. Just taking my children to a movie is a real task for me.

The holidays used to be something that I looked forward to. But now my emotions are mixed. While I try to make the holidays happy for my family, there is still a lot of depression too.

On Christmas when I hang my children's stockings, I know that there should be another one. And I wonder what toys that child would have been begging for.

I feel that this is a child's world. It's their time. All of these holidays are for them. I try to make all holidays special for my children. So it is a big deal to me that one child is missing all of it.

Sometimes I think about what that child would have looked like. I have had dreams about that baby. I've dreamed that I had him and held him. The dream is so vivid. In the dream I can feel that soft little body as I cradle him in my arms and rock him to sleep. The face of that child looking up at me is so clear and so sweet. Then I wake up. The pain is just as great as the day I had the abortion. It's then that I want to just lay down and die.

I almost did that not long ago. One day while my husband was at work and my children were taking a nap, I took a loaded gun and put it to my head. I just stood there. I didn't think that hell could be any worse than the hell that I had been living in all of these years. But then I thought about the two precious children that needed me. I had already proven myself to be a rotten mother to one child. How could I let these two down now? Yes, there are many, many scars.

My parents have always told me to look for something good in every bad thing. I have searched deep and have found the only good thing that has come from the abortion is that it has made me vow to be the best mother that I can to my children.

I keep a daily dairy for them, something I'm sure one day they will cherish. I have chosen to home-school and there are so many other things that we do together that I might not do had I not had the abortion.

I would like to say to any woman thinking of abortion, don't do it. Your life will never be the same and that's from someone who knows. I urge you to first write to me. I will be glad to send you some literature on the development of the fetus to show you just how alive your baby really is. And I will also send you some very shocking pictures of what a baby looks like after an abortion. I warn you, it's not a pretty picture - any of them.

I have made it through these years with a lot of help. I am very lucky because I have two wonderful parents and some brothers who are dearer than life.

Even though I hurt them so badly and let them down, some of them were there for me and their wives as well.

And then I was fortunate enough to find a wonderful man and marry him. He is the one who has lived this nightmare with me and suffered all of the "scars." He's paid the price many times.

The point that I'm trying to make is this. Even with all of this help from family, friends, and several psychiatrists and most of all God, there were times when I didn't think I would make it. Not every woman out there is as fortunate as I am to have so many who care to help pick up the pieces when she falls and believe me she will.

To those who have had an abortion: "Let go and let God," as someone put it to me. Pres onward and help someone else to keep from making the same mistake.

As I have been writing this article, I've had to stop many times to tend to my two children. But I've also had the pleasure of hearing their laughter and constant chatter. The only regret is that my other child is not with me.

Guardian of Truth XXXIV: 2, pp. 37, 51, 56
January 18, 1990